Attending skills are the body language skills of listening. It’s said that 85% of communication is done non-verbally. If true, that means that 85% of our communication relies on our attending skills. Fortunately, most people already have an inuitive understanding of how to apply attending skills—they just rarely apply them.

Attending skills include:

• A posture of involvement. Relaxed alertness. Being relaxed communicates acceptance of what the speaker says and being alert communicates that you are paying attention. A posture of involvement can involve any of these activities:
  • Incline your body toward the speaker. When you are really interested in a topic, you’ll actually sit forward.
  • Face the speaker squarely. Don’t sit or stand at an angle. Face them head on.
  • Maintain an open position. Keep your arms and legs unfolded. Closed arms and/or legs can communicate defensiveness and distance.
  • Give the speaker her personal space. Crowding the speaker only makes her feel uncomfortable, but too much distance means that you are not interested in what she is saying. For Americans, an appropriate distance is three feet. Closeness beyond that communicates an intimacy that is reserved for close friends and loved ones.
• Appropriate Body Motion. Avoid distracting motions and gestures. Fidgeting communicates boredom, but so does complete stillness. Your movements should be in response to the speaker’s movements.
• Eye Contact. Of the attending skills, this is probably the biggest no brainer as well as the most important. Good eye contact communicates interest in what the speaker is saying as well as confidence from the listener. Eye contact also carries with it a level of intimacy that some people may not be comfortable with, so, at times, it will be difficult to use effectively.
• Nondistracting Environment. Another no-brainer. If you’re going to talk with someone, make sure your environment has as few distractions as possible. Turn off the television. Close your office door. Shut down email. Do whatever you need to do to cut down on distractions. (The television kills me every time—something about those pretty pictures and magical sounds draws me to them. When someone is talking to me, and a television is on, I turn it off. If I can’t turn it off, I make sure I can’t see it.)

Attending skills are the building blocks of good listening. The sad part is that even though most of us know how to use these attending skills, we don’t.

Make a conscious effort at some point during the next few days to actively practice your attending skills. It will seem artificial at first. And by “at first”, I mean the first few minutes of a conversation because actively attending to what the other person is saying stirs your interest in the conversation. It won’t turn a dreadful conversation into an interesting one, but it will make those marginally interesting topics even more bearable. And you might even learn something from the interaction—at the very least, you’ll hone your attending skills.