I’ve talked some about how to listen in past posts:

• How to listen

• How to Listen: Attending Skills

• How to listen: Following Skills

• How to Listen: Reflecting Skills

I’ve yet, though, to talk about how easy it is to shut a conversation down—that is, what are you saying and doing that has a high likelihood of shutting down a conversation—of making the other person (or persons) involved in the conversation feel like they are not really being heard.

In his book, People Skills, Bolton identifies 12 responses that he terms high risk responses. They don’t always ruin the conversation, but they do it often enough that you should strive to avoid using them. The 12 responses are

Judging

• Criticizing
• Name-calling
• Diagnosing
• Praising Evaluatively

Sending Solutions

• Ordering
• Threatening
• Moralizing
• Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning
• Advising

Avoiding the other’s concerns

• Diverting
• Logical Argument
• Reassuring

I’ll review each group of roadblocks over the next few days. By understanding what not to do, you get a better understanding of how to listen to peopel—and not just react to what they’ve said.