Carl Rogers called judging the “major barrier to interpersonal communication”. Judging prevents us from really knowing the person we’re talking to. There are four types of judging:

• Criticizing. How critical are you? And why? Bolton offers the idea that people are critical to help improve other people—that is, pointing out the areas that need improvement is the only way people will grow. Hear criticism from the person receiving it, and you get a different story: “Nothing I do will be good enough.”

• Name-calling and labeling. When we identify a person with a label—and all the qualities that we’ve associated with that label—and we do not take the time to really know them.

• Diagnosing. Diagnosing is similar to labeling. Telling people why you think they do what they do. “You’re being defensive…” or “You’re being obsessive…” Diagnosing someone else’s problems shuts them down. They don’t listen to you—how can they when all you want to do is tell them why they’re doing what they’re doing. Maybe you’re right, maybe not. But what good does it really serve?

• Praising evaluatively. General praise. For example, “It was a good story…” or “You’re such a good girl.” Praise should be given for specific items or actions. If you liked the story, say what you liked about it. If you daughter is a good girl, praise her when she is being good. When you praise the general instead of the specific, you either set unrealistic expectations, create anxiety, or trigger defensive statements. For example, if you told someone that they wrote a good story, they might respond: “Eh, my friend thought of the idea.” He shuts down, stops listening, and doesn’t accept the praise.

I would add one other judging roadblock:

• Judgemental body language. We also communicate the judgements we pass through our body language. Even if we never voice our judgement, we may communicate that judgement by the way we look at the person, stand near them, or the tone in our voice.

Removing judging roadblocks from your conversation is tough. Once removed, though, you will have more effective conversations with your family, friends, and co-workers.