It may sound harsh, but this individual seemed, frankly, a waste of skin.

It is very much better sometimes to have a panic feeling beforehand, and then to be quite calm when things happen, than to be extremely calm beforehand and to get into a panic when things happen

Great post from Jason yesterday.

It amazes me how many people do not actually follow through. One easy fix: Do not say you’ll do something that you know you’re not going to do. It’s harder than you think because it requires a realistic appraisal of the future.

I would also add that you should not only follow through, you should follow through quickly. If it’s going to take you more than a few days to follow through on your commitment, let the person know. You’ll still lose some of the initiative you gained after meeting them, but at least they know not to expect an immediate response.

The remaining three roadblocks change the topic of the conversation. They communicate boredom on your part or that the problems of the speaker are unimportant to you.

• Diverting. “Pushing the other’s concerns aside through distraction.”[1] This is akin to going off on a topic that’s tangential to what the speaker is talking about.

• Logical Argument. “Attempting to convince the other with fact or logic.”[1] Logic has its place, but it is not usually received well when people’s emotions or relationships are involved.

• Reassuring. “Trying to stop the other person from feeling the negative emotion she is experiencing.”[1] This belittles the person’s emotions and prevents them from fully owning their experience.

Focus on the speaker—on what she is saying. You might actually connect with someone in a meaningful way.

[1] I’m certainly no expert on listening. Most of the ideas and all of the quotes come from an amazing book by Robert Bolton: People Skills. IMO, it is the greatest book on how to apply listening skills in your everyday life, but don’t just take my word for it.

“Sending Solutions” roadblocks are solutions that you suggest to the speaker. Even if they accept your solutions over the short term, they will grow to resent you over the long haul—whether you solution was right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. People must be allowed take ownership of their decisions without intervention on your part. The amazing thing: if you listen to people—really listen to them, they will generally come to their own decisions. Might not be the choice you would have selected, but at least it is their choice.

The five “Sending Solutions” roadblocks are:

• Ordering. “Commanding the other person to do what you want to have done.”[1]

• Threatening. “Trying to control another person’s actions by warning of negative consequences.”[1]

• Moralizing. “Telling people what they should do.”[1]

• Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning. Excessive close-ended questions.

• Advising. “Giving the person a solution to their problem.”[1]

You might have a great solution to the problem someone is trying to work through, but when is trying to work through their problems, offering them other solutions will, most likely, just complicate the situation and create animosity between you and them over the long haul.

[1] I’m certainly no expert on listening. Most of the ideas and all of the quotes come from an amazing book by Robert Bolton: People Skills. IMO, it is the greatest book on how to apply listening skills in your everyday life, but don’t just take my word for it.

Carl Rogers called judging the “major barrier to interpersonal communication”. Judging prevents us from really knowing the person we’re talking to. There are four types of judging:

• Criticizing. How critical are you? And why? Bolton offers the idea that people are critical to help improve other people—that is, pointing out the areas that need improvement is the only way people will grow. Hear criticism from the person receiving it, and you get a different story: “Nothing I do will be good enough.”

• Name-calling and labeling. When we identify a person with a label—and all the qualities that we’ve associated with that label—and we do not take the time to really know them.

• Diagnosing. Diagnosing is similar to labeling. Telling people why you think they do what they do. “You’re being defensive…” or “You’re being obsessive…” Diagnosing someone else’s problems shuts them down. They don’t listen to you—how can they when all you want to do is tell them why they’re doing what they’re doing. Maybe you’re right, maybe not. But what good does it really serve?

• Praising evaluatively. General praise. For example, “It was a good story…” or “You’re such a good girl.” Praise should be given for specific items or actions. If you liked the story, say what you liked about it. If you daughter is a good girl, praise her when she is being good. When you praise the general instead of the specific, you either set unrealistic expectations, create anxiety, or trigger defensive statements. For example, if you told someone that they wrote a good story, they might respond: “Eh, my friend thought of the idea.” He shuts down, stops listening, and doesn’t accept the praise.

I would add one other judging roadblock:

• Judgemental body language. We also communicate the judgements we pass through our body language. Even if we never voice our judgement, we may communicate that judgement by the way we look at the person, stand near them, or the tone in our voice.

Removing judging roadblocks from your conversation is tough. Once removed, though, you will have more effective conversations with your family, friends, and co-workers.

I’ve talked some about how to listen in past posts:

• How to listen

• How to Listen: Attending Skills

• How to listen: Following Skills

• How to Listen: Reflecting Skills

I’ve yet, though, to talk about how easy it is to shut a conversation down—that is, what are you saying and doing that has a high likelihood of shutting down a conversation—of making the other person (or persons) involved in the conversation feel like they are not really being heard.

In his book, People Skills, Bolton identifies 12 responses that he terms high risk responses. They don’t always ruin the conversation, but they do it often enough that you should strive to avoid using them. The 12 responses are

Judging

• Criticizing
• Name-calling
• Diagnosing
• Praising Evaluatively

Sending Solutions

• Ordering
• Threatening
• Moralizing
• Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning
• Advising

Avoiding the other’s concerns

• Diverting
• Logical Argument
• Reassuring

I’ll review each group of roadblocks over the next few days. By understanding what not to do, you get a better understanding of how to listen to peopel—and not just react to what they’ve said.

So, last week was a good week. Kinda.

I had some trouble maintaining my energy level throughout the day at the beginning of the week. I’d start out the day just fine, but around 2:00 I’d get really tired. I believe the source of my energey-level problem was that I’m not going to bed when I’m tired. I’m trying Steve’s technique and am having some luck at it. I’m just having some difficulty actually going to bed when I’m tired. This is partly because I’m getting tired around 10:00 on some nights, and that’s just too early. I want to stay up until at least 11:00. I’m getting better, though. I still have some nights where I get tired early and other nights I get tired a little later.

So…how did I do with my goals? I did okay. I got up between 6 and 6:30 every morning; I drank no caffeinated drinks this past week; but, I did not schedule any lunches for this week; and I did not exercise three times as I had planned.

My goals for this week aren’t really much different from last week’s. They are:

• Continue getting up at 6AM through next Sunday.
• Not drink a caffenated drink through next Sunday.
• Exercise three times this week.
• Schedule two lunches for next week.

Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it it’s the only one you have.

Where is your phone on your desk?

Mine used to sit on the right because I am right handed, making it easy for me to answer the phone with my right hand, which seemed perfectly rational and was completely instinctive. Of course, when I need to make a note, I waste a few seconds shifting the phone to my other hand so that I could reach for a pencil.

A few weeks ago someone pointed out this seemingly innocuous waste of time. It seems innocuous because it is just a few seconds, but it disrupts the flow of the conversation and potentially derails the speaker’s train of thought. Of course, if it’s just a phone number, that’s no big deal. If they’re wanting you to copy down some thoughts, though, those few seconds become a major disruption.

The answer? Move your phone to your off-hand. If your right handed, move it to the left side of your desk. If your left handed, move it to the right side of your desk. You’ll find reaching for that pencil or keyboard is much easier.

Another phone tip: get a hands free headset so you can talk and write (or type) at the same time with ease while still keeping the conversation private—as opposed to a speaker phone, which also frees up your hands, but blasts the phone conversation for all to hear.

I know some of you are thinking “well, duh!” to both of these tips. What can I say? I’m a slow leaner.